APRIL B.I.I.I.I.I.I.I.I.I.I.I.N.G.O (Or Dirty knees, All the threes & Sherwood Forest…)

SO, Valancy never wins at anything. ANYTHING.

Not at knocking over the milk bottles or ring toss. Laughing clowns have NEVER paid up. And, it is always the person next to me that guesses how many jellybeans in the jar.

But I will lament my horrid luck more — because the tide has changed: I won April Bingo!!!!!!

(I am currently doing a silent Bingo Victory Dance)

Yes. This.

Brought to us by the fabulous Shallowreader; if you haven’t ever Bingo’d your months reading – you seriously need to get onto this – because not only is it fun – but it completely justifies your ENTIRE months selection. i.e. ‘I can’t vacuum the house this weekend dear, I am trying to finish this book so I can cross ‘Uxurious’* off my bingo card…’

See? TOTALLY Works.

My five in a row were as follows:

• Ice, Ice, Baby: Melting Ice, Rosalie Ash, 1989,

‘Julius Korda is as cold as steel, ascetic as a monk, and the only god he worships is the almighty dollar.’

From the moment they meet, young, carefree Victoria was infatuated with Julius. But Julius made it clear that as far as he was concerned she wasn’t his type and in any case she was far too young for him. However, everything changed one night – with far-reaching consequences for both…

Unfortunately, I couldn’t exactly remember either what that fateful night involved and what the far-reaching consequences were – so I had to have a quick re-read. Apparently Julius is an Antique-Dealer (sort of) and Victoria is the most forceful ingenue I have met in a really long time. She swerved between normal and cheery to manic-pixie-dream-brat. Our Ice Ice comes from Julius, a repressed and cold businessman, who falls head over heels for Victoria, but manages to COMPLETELY hide it until the last 6 pages of the book.

There is dark secret: It involves diapers. So, not so dark, and really not that secret.

• Dear Diary: The Burning Lamp, Frances Murray, 1975

This book is AWESOME. Francis Murray is awesome and if you haven’t ever read any of her books – PLEASE go out immediately and find some. I’ll wait….

• This Means War: The Valley of the Children, Unity Hall, 1977:

IMG_0383

This book was one of those featured in my book brag wall of cover-shame. That cover y’all(!)

The war refers to Moroccan tribal wars in Columb Bechar (the former name of what is now Bechar Province(?) in Algeria). Groups of children have gone missing and Ella, granddaughter of the newspaper owner (but determined to earn her own way) snags her first assignment to discover where they are. Mike Shields, darkly handsome and oh-so unimpressed to be weighed down with a newbie, is sent along to take pictures of the ‘rescue’Ella is awkward and green, but determined. Mike likes her despite himself. And it settles into an uneasy alliance – until they both get kidnapped too.

This was such a lovely book. And despite its very light touch, had some surprising depth about the treatment of children in war-times and the difficulty and struggle of women making their mark in workplace.

• Bluffing: The Magic of His Kiss, Jessica Steele, 1981

Jemma is the less beautiful sister of model Christine, a love ‘em and leave ‘em type, who is currently in the middle of an affaire de coeur with Mark. Whilst staying with Christine, a Karn Fellingham confronts her, and mistaking her for Christine, offers her an exorbitant amount of money to stop seeing his nephew. Determined to teach him a lesson, and protect her sister, she pretends to be Christine. (THE BLUFF).

Well – THINGS happen. Not the least being a kidnapping to a remote cottage, where Jemma is forced to…clean and redecorate, whilst…Karn…helps…her. I felt like I had fallen into an episode of Better Homes & Gardens, crossed with a dollop of Stockholm’s, but this book was TOO cute and by that point I didn’t care.

I am resolved to look for more Jessica Steele

• Shotgun: Vanished, Karen Robards – I already mentioned this here — surface to say: many people get shot, including the heroine and the hero. The use of many types of guns including shotguns.

TOTALLY covers this square.

• Dear Diary: The Burning Lamp, Francis Murray

See? I totally waited!

Now anyone who can describe someone as wearing ‘hard work like an aftershave while the provocative black rims of his glasses firmly placed him as intellectually mysterious.’ is pretty much a winner in my book.

But not only that, Murray has created Phemie, (Euphemia) the single-handedly most fabulous character in the west.

She rejects unwanted marriage proposal like a boss:

“Plain and penniless as I am,” said Phemie serenely, “I am quite sure that I must prefer single blessedness to being yoked to a pompous hypocrite.”

She adapts on the run:

Esther sat upright. “Where are you off to?”

“The livery stable. We’re going to buy a horse and I know nothing about horses.”

She moved to the door. Esther scrambled for a shawl and squeezed her feet back into the shoes she had kicked off. “But what the devil use will that be if you can’t ride?” she wailed.

“You’ve twelve hours to teach me.”

Schools idiots without the slightest pause:

Mr Lemuel Dutton, the undertaker, rose at the back of the Hall to say that he must disagree with his good friend the Reverend Baker. Argentana was a plain town and plain folk lived there. They could not afford luxuries like hospitals. Taxes was high enough. Argentana had got along very well without any hospital before and in his opinion this idea was plain tomfoolery. Sister Witherspoon rose to apologise to Mr Dutton for proposing a measure which must lead to a reduction in his potential custom. However, she hoped that in time the population of the town would be increased by it so that while his customers might be reduced proportionately they would most likely increase absolutely. Mr Dutton stood for some seconds in silence …

And lives happily ever after with a big burly soldier, who loves her just as she is:

“I like tiny termagants with red hair and tongues like the business end of a hornet. Besides … someone’s got to be around to haul you out of scrapes.”

Plus, there fantastic conversations like this:

“Her lover has come back from the army.”

“Ah!” said her father.

“Nothing of the sort,” said Lady Lacombe rather tartly.

“It isn’t in the least Ah. He has married some predatory Southern belle and poor Miss Lambe is laid down upon her bed with the headache.”

“Oh!”

“Yes. It is much more Oh than Ah.”

BEST BOOK EVER.

Others that ticked the box:

• Dance like No-one is Watching: One last Dance, Claire Harrison:

Widowed ballet dancer Marta, struggling to rehabilitate from the car accident that crippled her and killed her husband, is selected to partner with volatile Russian dancer Camir Rudenko.

Like 25 handfuls of glittery unicorn dust; the whole thing was insanely endearing. But then…I’ve always wanted to be a professional dancer….

I’d be the awkward one with glasses on the end…it’s depressing when even Stitch is more graceful…

• Silverback: Island on a Hill, Dixie Browning: Cabel Mccloud (does anyone else think that sounds like the name of a new shade of knitting wool?) is the prematurely grey silverback in question. Frances moves next door to him, determinedly single. We know how long THAT lasts.

• Magenta: The Forbidden Orchid, Sharon Biggs Waller:

The colour of the orchid in question. I REALLY liked this book. I am not totally sure why – but it sucked me in good  and I had real trouble extricating myself from the lives of staid, responsible Elodie. The eldest of 10 sisters in 1861; her father is a plant hunter, off collecting orchids in China. When he can’t repay a debt to a ruthless peer, he is thrown into a debtor’s prison, and it is up to Elodie, to travel, with her father (yeah, it’s complicated) to China to hunt down the rare orchid as repayment.

Danger, Romance, Sailing the Seven Seas and interesting factoids about orchids, the 19th century and Darwin. A slow-moving and thoughtful book and I REALLY liked it. It actually made me pick up Darwin’s Origin of the Species (I mean I immediately put it back down again…) But that is saying a lot right?

• Crush: Hills of Amethyst, Mary Moore: Previously larger-sized Bridget previously had an enormously awkward crush on Gareth Evens. When she unexpectedly meets Gareth again out on a sheep station in New Zealand – Gareth doesn’t recognise her and she decides to teach him a lesson. Only doesn’t.

Unless we count dating Bridget punishment…which I kind of do.

Ridiculous and trite. The back story was INSANELY long and then there was the horrifying moment when some girls were speculating that ‘Frigid Bridget’ might not be so frigid if she was raped.

Yeah. So that happened.

• Dark Lord: Out of this Darkness, Madeleine Ker

Cathy Milner: the heroine. Fabian Blackthorne: the hero.

After an entire story, he goes blind. She fixes him. There’s more, but it too exhausting to recap. Not that bad. Not that great. But it was 1984. I’ll let them pass GO. But they’re not allowed to collect $200.

• Non Compus Mentis: The Mad Woman Upstairs: have talked about this here. Definitely a great book – but only if you like all things Eyre…

• Mothership: Ever Since Adam, Terry Lawrence: SOOOO BAAAADDDD. So UNBELIEVABLY bad.  I can’t even. Also one of my hideous covers ——

There is ecstasy.

There is growling.

There is space.

Any more explanation and I am afraid my ovaries are going to shut down from the shame of being female.

But what does all that make???

That makes BINGO biyatches!!!!!

(Ahem. Sorry I couldn’t help myself. My winning has gone directly to my head.)

If anyone needs me – I’ll be in my corner – feeling OH-SO pleased with myself.

 

Valancy, out.

🙂

*If anyone knows what ‘uxurious’ means I will reward them with any one single m&m – except for brown…they’re my favourite and I eat them first.

Header Image: vintage ad 1950s BINGO

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22 thoughts on “APRIL B.I.I.I.I.I.I.I.I.I.I.I.N.G.O (Or Dirty knees, All the threes & Sherwood Forest…)

  1. Blue Castle bingo … okay, bragging that I know what UXORIOUS means and I haven’t googled it using another browser (oldest trick in the google game) because I’ve had a TAG on my blog for years!! It’s excessive love and devotion for one’s wife!

    Also, I hope you realize that I have a Twitter hashtag called #feralspinsters and I’m totally adopting this as well #singleblessedness!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I love a bingo game won on the back of romances! And I am so glad that I have been instrumental to your first win! You do know that part of the prize is you get to name 2 squares for the May game. I await your choices!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I know what uxorious is — because it was my square! I’ve name all mine after my favorite tags…

    Dashing off to open library to get Frances Murray…

    Congrats on your win! I am totally not jealous and sulking in a corner and planning to swipe your M&Ms.

    Like

    1. Dang – clearly everyone is way more informed than I am, and would kick my butt in scrabble…

      Francis Murray was so GOOD! That is the only one I have read of hers yet – but I loved it with the light of a thousand suns – it was quiet and steady but so cleverly funny too….

      Also:

      Consolation m&m… (with obligatory pretzel…) just for you:

      orange m&m

      🙂

      Like

      1. Just finished The Burning Lamp and ADORED it… and not just because it filled a difficult May BINGO square. 😉 Why oh why did I not know about this writer when I was younger and the library still had her books? Or at least before paperbackswap started charging money for swaps… Open Library sadly only has a few.

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        1. I am soo glad you liked it!! And I am completely with you on the late discovery — I can’t understand why I never knew about her! Her writing is just so GOOD! I’ve pillaged Open Library too (sad face) — but the one I am still on the hunt for is The Dear Colleague – marriage of convenience, scandals in Paris, a hero called HECTOR?? How can that not be anything but AWESOME???

          Like

  4. • Ok, I have a confession—I’ve only played Bingo once or twice in my life, and have no idea how one plays an online bingo! (not that I have a lot of idea about the offline version). But this sounds awesome! I guess, I shall have to investigate some more?

    • I don’t know why but “cold as a steel” and “ascetic as a monk” had me giggling!

    • Don’t know, and never heard of Frances Murray—but to my TBR she’s been added! I like her covers btw!

    • Ooh, I remember I used to like Jessica Steele! Looks like you had fun with her?

    • “Now anyone who can describe someone as wearing ‘hard work like an aftershave while the provocative black rims of his glasses firmly placed him as intellectually mysterious.’ is pretty much a winner in my book.”
    –WHAT?! I need to go check out Frances Murray RIGHT NOW! (Ugh, her availability seems to be unavailable-ish. . . not at the library, or anywhere else. Will have to see how I can read her up. Sigh!)

    • LOL, Cabel Mccloud DOES sound like a brand of knitting wool! It sounds like something Anne would knit for Gilbert! Or Gilbert would knit for Anne! 😛

    • yes, picking it up ( the Darwin something, something book) counts too!! 😛

    • Ok, so I think I have a fair-ish idea of how this online Bingo thing is played! I will look it up!

    P.S. I did NOT know what uxorious meant (event hough it sounds like a word I’ve come across before!) But now, I totally want to make my husband use it in a sentence. 😀

    P.P.S. How do you read books that you get from Open Library? Do you download it somewhere or read it on your comp on the Adobe thingy? I tried reading a Clare Darcy book on the computer and hated the whole experience. 😦

    Like

    1. I LOVE your comments!!! They are so epic-ly delightful!! See below for my epic reply 🙂

      – Book Bingo is AWESOME. Shallowreader hosts it each month, with a new play sheet. You mark off a box everytime your book hits one of the boxes…. (Cheating is encouraged and I am pretty sure you can use more than one square for a particular book (?)
      Anyway it is LOADS of fun — particularly with some of the more outlandish squares.

      – Frances Murray is such a good read. There are a few of hers available on (shh- Amazon) for not that much money, (a couple of dollars) OR there are some on (da-da-da-duuumm: Open Library *ducks for cover*) 😉

      – Which brings us to Open Library: I TOTALLY agree – it is VERY unfun reading it on the computer (always reminded me university assignments *shudder*);
      If you have a tablet of some sort, you can download the Digital Editions as an app, and access the ones you borrow via that.
      If you have an e-reader, it’s a little more complicated – but you can download the e-pub version of your borrowed book and transfer it across to your e-reader.
      If you have the latter, and aren’t quite sure, feel free to email me and I can go through it with you 🙂

      – I would LOVE to see Gilbert knitting something for Anne – and it would definitely be in Cabel McCloud: only Anne would describe the shade as something completely romantic and beautiful…which reminds me of a quote from Anne of the Island:
      “It was November–the month of crimson sunsets, parting birds, deep, sad hymns of the sea, passionate wind-songs in the pines. Anne roamed through the pineland alleys in the park and, as she said, let that great sweeping wind blow the fogs out of her soul.”

      (*big sigh*)

      Jessica Steele was — really intriguing – I am going to have to read more of her I think, before I make up my mind….

      Uxorious: Well I am awfully glad someone else didn’t know what that meant – I was starting to feel a little alone out there on that limb! LOL – You could subliminally influence by working it into sentences randomly. I actually did just see it again in a sentence in Maggie Gee’s Lost Children, where she described someone’s face as ‘uxorious’ which I am still drawing a blank about even now!

      Cue applause – that was a jolly good addition to the comment and reply section !!!
      🙂

      Like

        1. ooh – yes plse!! She wrote so many brilliant books….It’s been such a while since I have read them as well — We could call it Project Montgomery…things with the word project in front of them always sound so OFFICIAL! lol –
          🙂

          Like

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