Valancy & the Mountain of Terribleness, (or, the Never-Ending Search for the Emancipated Female…)

I don’t THINK it has been a while since I posted – but it FEELS like it.

Life has been too – too…just TOO.

It also hasn’t helped that I’ve been stranded on a monadnock (YES – the COOLEST new descriptor ever) of terrible books. At times I wondered if I was going to have to go all Hatchet on them just to get out alive – but last night there was a break through(!) (*tears of relief*)

And since we are a kind and benevolent dictatorship over at BlueCastle – I will not force you to suffer (as I have suffered) through the never-ending terribleness of the 17 (!) books I have DNF’d…I thought: lets make it a game (whoot-whoot!)

 So, following are a series of no-good-purple-spotted-reads that I DNF’d for some fairly obvious reasons. Read the below scenarios and select the most appropriate response. Answers are above the pictures… just highlight to see.

🙂

So you went to the supermarket the other day…

And there you were in the cookie isle, trying to decide between double choc-chip and oatmeal…when suddenly this RANDOM tall guy in a leather jacket told you to take the choc-chip because he KNEW you would like them better.

When you disagreed, he proceeded to follow you up and down the isles, making remarks about your appearance and life choices, whilst EATING a bag of the same cookies.

After you escaped home, to make dinner for your grandfather, he turned up at the house; forced you to go out on a date with him, even though you didn’t want to. Even your grandfather agreed that despite the fact that you said NO – underneath it all, you still secretly wanted to.

So you were forced out into a car, where the tall random stranger (whose name you still don’t know), proceeded force you to KISS him and then tell you just let him make all the decisions and work it all out from there.

Do you:

a) Yell at him, call the police citing stalking and predatory sexual behaviour, and have him hauled away to the can?

b) Clock him over the head with your bag, and run for nearest shelter whilst using your rape whistle?

c) Let him force you to make out with him, because he clearly is the bossy type and he has dimples…not to mention the leather jacket and your grandfather thought it was a good idea.

 

answer: the answer is c (spoiler)

 

I present:

tsk, tsk, tsk, Ms Roberts…(Also Set in a PARK —sigh – bye-bye BINGO square…)

Well what about this:

You were at work the other day, and when you were called into the office, realised the man you actually worked for was off sick and there was another man replacing him.

Unfortunately, this man happened to be suffering from a case of snow blindness, and because of that, made you stand still, whilst he touched your face and body all over, so he could ‘see’ if you were really attractive. He then kissed you, felt you up and fired you and made you look after his son for the afternoon, because the son needed to buy jeans.

Do you:

a) Slap the jerk across the chops and yell at him for invading your personal space, conveying in letters of three-syllables that he is clearly deranged and a walking class action suit.

b) Go immediately to HR and report him for inappropriate behaviour in the workplace and asked to be reassigned to a new position, whilst HR conduct an investigation into (what we can only assume will be) the vast allegations of workplace misconduct in his past.

c) Let him feel you up (well he is blind, and you’re sure the lingering touches on your breasts are just because he isn’t very good with spacial awareness); move into his house for 2 weeks and become a mother-like figure to his teenage son, who seems to be displaying similar inclinations towards women in his behaviour – because hey – maybe closer proximity may train him out of it…

answer: the answer is c (spoiler)

Congratulations:

The heroine’s hair, people – the HAIR!

Ok – well what about this:

You were visiting a best friend the other day, when whilst she was making coffee, her husband decided it was perfectly ok to sexually assault you in their living room, and when you said no, called you a frigid bitch.

Do you:

a) Knee him in the gentleman parts…(try explaining that away…(!)) Run into the kitchen and confess all to your bestie – because friends don’t let friends stay married to creeps.

b) Push him out of the way, run crying out the door and later, arrange to meet with best friend to tell her the unfortunate truth about the a**hole she mistakenly married.

c) Because you LOVE your best friend,  don’t tell her what happened, but decide to bring a paid male escort to your next outing, so the husband would understand  you weren’t up for grabs.

Whilst paying the male escort to well uh..escort you about, HE decided you were a man-hater, with a secret passion for the husband and proceeded to teach you a lesson, by forcing you to have sex with him, without consent, (only because you moaned as it was happening, thought that meant you liked it so it was ok…)

What in the name of Jiminy Cricket???

answer: the answer is c (spoiler)

140915

the official conscience be unimpressed….

Hold the applause for:

And lastly:

You are officially one of the last people left in the world, after the DYING (is a tres inventive title non?). As one of the few survivors, you are struggling to survive in an unfriendly remnant of your former life.

Do you:

a) start stockpiling water and non-perishables, searching out weapons and making your house fortress tight to protect yourself against the inevitable mad-max type baddies that will probably end up becoming cannibals and try to make you into a steak sandwich

b) Pack up, stock up and snag a nice sturdy large 4WD type vehicle (What? Everyone’s dead, so it’s not stealing) and go road tripping to find longer-lasting supplies, and other (non-cannabilistic) survivors so you can (fingers-crossed) end up with some hunky rambo type and help him repopulate the earth…

c) mope about the house and lie on the sofa, doing absolutely nothing productive and cataloguing EVERY. SINGLE. THING you think, say and feel. (I go to the pantry. I look at ____, _____, ____. I don’t feel hungry. I go to the fridge. I think about _____, ______, _____ but am still not hungry) AND then when miraculously a voice starts whispering loving endearments in your head and you feel the gentle brush of angel wings against your neck. You dismiss it and continue counting the cans in the pantry.

answer: the answer is c (spoiler)

 

I give you:

Oh book-cover – I judged you and I found you wanting. (I also wonder why you seem to have a bird flying out of your head…?)

 

So tell me? Where are all the rational emancipated females that aren’t influenced by ridiculous and arbitrary canons that have no reflection on real life…??

Hmm?

Well, not on my monadnock for sure. But, we shall see what this month will bring…

I leave you with the following:

I finally got my hands on an original Christina Dodd Castles in the Air. Part of a 2nd hand book haul. I can hear y’all going what? Why would anyone care about that???

Well…it’s the one with the cover that has the Heroine with THREE ARMS. Which is like 40 shades of super cool. It also has the opening line of She had all her teeth.’ (Which I think is just DYING for some sort of opening line review (cough Miss Bates cough) lol 😉 )

castlesin the air

See the third arm??? It’s like a casual little alien, that just joined in on the fun…

Mayhap the ever-long-and-terrible book hell be nearing its end?

We shall see…

Sincerely,

Valancy: now checking ALL heroines for additional appendages…

🙂

 

Header Image: John Arthur Lomax, In der Bibliothek, 1857-1923

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9 thoughts on “Valancy & the Mountain of Terribleness, (or, the Never-Ending Search for the Emancipated Female…)

    1. LOL! They were SO terrible – even now, with a little bit of distance between myself and them…I just keep thinking about how utterly INSANE they were! How were people able to write these stories – with straight faces???! (OR maybe they didn’t…and it’s all a dastardly trick against Romancelandia…?) Now I’m not sure which idea concerns me more!
      😛

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I just commented on Miss Bates’ blog recently that there’s magic in a well-done category romance. Conversely, there’s also nothing quite as brain-bleed inducing as a not-well-done one. I usually resort to cool cloth on my forehead, a stiff cocktail, and fervent prayers that over time my recall of the book in question will fade into the far, neglected recesses of my memory.

    I have to say though, I’m fascinated by the cover for If Love Be Blind. Besides the heroine’s hair (OMG!) that hero looks like he should be hosting an early 1980s game show. Preferably Match Game 😉

    Like

    1. Oooh YES – Match Game – I didn’t notice before – but you are exactly right – he has GAME-SHOW hair…
      Incidentally did you know they are making a new Match Game? With Alec Baldwin? Coming out this year! He also has excellent game-show hair, which I hadn’t really identified before…but now I am wondering if it’s an official requirement…

      And I am in complete agreement: a stiff drink on the rocks and some sort of brain bleach are really the only things to help you get over a bad read…makes you live for the rarer good ones really! 🙂

      Like

    1. I don’t know – but THANK YOU! (Although I had kind of wondered if I can still count them if I DNF’d them…I mean technically I didn’t really read them…But I did start them…and I did review them….But I didn’t finish them…
      See? Welcome: to my ethical cul de sac…
      🙂

      Like

      1. I think we can totally count DNF’s – after all, we have spent time and energy reading as far as we could and often have the scars to prove that we did – witness your reviews on this post but then we can have the reward of a stiff drink and definitely some chocolate!!

        Liked by 1 person

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